I fell asleep last night amid a cacaphony of American douchebaggery. A group of DIS students in the room directly above me were throwing a late night shindig with their windows open, broadcasting to all the world the unique brand of arrogance and idiocy that can only come from bein' borned and raised in the good ol' US of A. I was the more immediate audience for their dipshitty display, however, and I could make out most their inane conversation while my rage swelled from a gentle simmer to a roiling seethe. They were trading college stories, most of which started, "When I was playing beer pong" and included interjectory phrases like, "He was totally blackout" and, "I was fuckin' the shit out of her." After the great orators tired of their tall tales, they reverted to tossing empty beer and vodka bottles out the window onto the sidewalk. I think I also heard a bicycle stick its landing in the shrubs below, and there was truculant talk in favor of a mattress walking the plank. These kids were holdovers from the bonfire for sure (I recognized many of the same voices), and I was just waiting for someone to yell, "LET'S CRANK THE O.A.R.!" Thankfully, it didn't come to that, or I would have surely acted out one of the many fantasy revenge scenarios I was imagining as I tossed and turned in bed. In one, I stood outside throwing glass jars and bottles back through their window. In another, I marched upstairs in my boxers, pounded on the door and demanded quiet. That one wasn't so fantastic, so I changed "pounded on the door" to "busted down the door" and "demanded quiet" to "defenestrated the whole lot of 'em."

It's no wonder Americans aren't appreciated in Europe. I was reminded of my friend Dusty studying in Florence who overheard two American girls talking at the Duomo. They had just met in front the of the majestic cathedral and had not been there more than 10 seconds when one turned to the other and said, "Fuck this, let's get drunk." American douchebaggery at its finest.

But here's a feel-good story that offers a glimmer of hope for the future of America, and it's all about a Dominican! Pedro Alvarez was my shortstop/third baseman at Horace Mann during my two years on the Varsity baseball team. He's now playing ball at Vandy, and making a case for Freshman of the Year honors with ridiculous power numbers. Check out the NY Daily News article publshed the other day about him and his family, and think of that Barenaked Ladies song about a million dollars. Way to go Penguino.