Cupiddler on the Roof

Look out! February the 14th is fast approaching, that special time of the year that separates the happy lovers from the lonely masturbators. If you are a responsible boyfriend, you're no doubt already busy in preparation of the romantic day, ie., registering for that couples-only paintball tournament. For those of us in the latter category, however, any hope of avoiding another Valentine's Day spent in a crippled state of depression and self-loathing is quickly fading. That is unless you pull yourself together, pull up your pants, and sample a batch of Uncle Scotty's mind-bending, patent-pending, never-ending PUNCH-UP LINES!

Having spent the first 17 years of my life as a female, I am considered a most trusted authority on the psychology of women. I know what girls want, and I know where to find it on The Internet. So believe me when I tell you that girls like a guy with a sense of humor, a guy who can tell a good, wholesome joke. They also like a man with confidence, a man who doesn't think twice about using a provocative pick-up line. It should be duly noted that some girls like being peed on. Armed with this inside information on "the menstrual gender," I've created a sure-fire method to securing a significant other by combining the power of a good punchline with the allure of a smooth pick-up line... PUNCH-UP LINES!

PUNCH-UP LINES!

Here's how it works: Go to a place of public congregation (a tavern, or a science museum), approach a sexy lady with something in your hand (a beer, or a fancy kaleidoscope), and say, “A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Wanna fuck?”

THEY’RE FUN!
Father Tomato, Mother Tomato, and Baby Tomato were taking a walk. Baby Tomato kept falling behind. Just as I thought, “Made in Heaven.”

THEY’RE EASY!
What’s the best time to go to the dentist? ‘Cause you’re the only ten I see!

THEY’RE REVERSABLE!
Did you clean your pants with Windex? One of them was assaulted.

THEY’RE PUNCH-UP LINES! And they are ready for export to foreign markets. Try mine today, or make up your own: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? No soap, radio!

Just in time for Valentine’s Day – PUNCH-UP LINES! And you can tell ‘em Uncle Scotty sent ya!