Oh boy, I've been having my fun with David Tapley, procurer of celebrity look-a-likes and all-around doubting Thomas. His first reply left the matter of little Minetti's Bar Mitzvah party unresolved, so I was forced to pursue another line of questioning...

To: Dave Tapley
Sent: Tuesday, February 28, 2006 8:58 PM
Subject: Re: In need of celebrity impersonators

Dear Mr. Tapley of TAPLEY ENTERTAINMENT,

Many thanks for your timely response to my e-mail. I could hardly contain my excitement when I saw my query answered by the President of TAPLEY ENTERTAINMENT himself (you are the President, aren’t you?). I must admit, however, that I was slightly offended by your incredulous response to my earnest proposal. My son’s Bar Mitzvah will commemorate his transition into adulthood, and his Bar Mitzvah party will be a celebration of his life and future. I want only the best for my son. I thought TAPLEY ENTERTAINMENT was the best.

But after considering your expressed concerns and further discussing the “Irony” theme with my son, we have decided to alter our plans for the party. I respect your opinion as a man with many years’ experience in representing celebrity impersonators, and I know you truly understand not only the fragile psyches of professional impersonators but also how they might work best in the field. Inasmuch, you make a legitimate point about compromising the integrity of such an affair with a few misplaced look-a-likes (Jeremy Irons was a terrible idea – what was I thinking?) Besides, I could not secure the permission to screen The Passion of the Christ during cocktail hour.

Along with having an appreciation of comedic irony, my son is a baseball enthusiast; an avid player and fan. A brainstorming session with our Rabbi/Jazzercise instructor yielded several possible alternate themes, including Nintendo, Las Vegas, and Al Jolson’s “The Jazz Singer.” But we ultimately decided on a baseball theme, and with your help we might also be able to incorporate my son’s much beloved irony.

Due to recent congressional investigations into the steroid habits of baseball’s most prominent sluggers and stepped-up drug testing that has outed some of the game’s worst steroid abusers, my son thought a “Disgraced Baseball Players” theme would be most appropriate for his upcoming Bar Mitzvah party. While browsing your website for look-a-likes of sports personalities, I was pleased to discover you represent both a Pete Rose and a Mark McGuire (sic) impersonator. The services of these impersonators would assuredly be needed, Rose and McGuire (sic) being two of the game’s most famous disgraced stars. To make the experience as real for our guests as possible, I would also request your Pete Rose impersonator come drunk and ill-tempered.

There are, of course, several other shamed baseballers whose look-a-likes I would request be present at the party. I do not see them listed on the website, but I have some ideas as to which of your other impersonators could fill their role (it shouldn’t be too difficult – all they really need is a uniform!). “Shoeless” Joe Jackson of the infamous 1919 Black Sox could be ably represented by your Joe Millionaire look-a-like (they have similar builds), and I believe your Steven Seagal impersonator would make a great Rafael Palmeiro, if he were to kindly grow a moustache for the occasion.

Investigations into Barry Bonds’ alleged steroid use are still underway, but in the event he is disgraced, perhaps your Luther Vandross impersonator would be available to appear as the Giants’ outfielder?

We also thought it would be fun to kick off the party with a Roseanne Barr impersonator reenacting the actress’ notorious and controversial rendition of the national anthem (when she sings, it can only be called the Star-Mangled Banner!).

I sincerely hope we can come to an arrangement regarding the aforementioned celebrity look-a-likes in your employ. The party is scheduled for the evening of August 12 (Saturday), and because we are planning such a grand event, it is necessary to get a head start on preparations.

I am confident your experienced men and women can pull this off! Can your Pete Rose impersonator spit on our guests?

Many thanks again,

T. Guy Minetti
Renegade Carpentry, Minetti & Associates
207 E. 33rd Street
Baltimore, MD 21218



From: Dave Tapley
Sent: Wednesday, March 1, 2006 12:12 PM
To: "T. Guy Minetti"
Subject: Re: In need of celebrity impersonators

We can certainly help with these impersonators. Would it be possible for me to call you? Thank you. Dave Tapley 957-255-7849


There you have it, folks. Little Minetti is going to have the best Bar Mitzvah ever!

Some of you may be confused as to this T. Guy Minetti character. Who is he? Where did he come from? Who are his associates? For a full tutorial on the man, the myth, the Minetti, I suggest you study Fun List Fridays, the Father of Fun Lists. For those short on time but long on wanting to know more about Minetti, I offer this brief conspectus in the form of his J-Date profile:

About Me
I crew with Storm T. Renegade, Lenny Dykstra, and Roy Scheider (need I mention, he killed Jaws twice). I own every movie in which Kurt Russel appears with a mullet and tank top (there are six). There are three things I cannot live without: my Lionel Ritchie boxed set, my recipe book for exotic chilies, and my white denim cut-offs that I wear with construction boots regardless of what activity I am doing, whether it's going to the beach or just throwing up some drywall. I'm looking for a girl who digs the pre-Janet Wayner and dishes out the double blumpkin. Sunny Delight was my idea.

My ethnicity is: Ashkenazi
My Religion: Conservative
I studied or am interested in: Eddie Money, nail gun operation
My education: Some College
Occupation: Construction/Agriculture/Landscaping
Occupation description: Air Guitar repair

My perfect first date:
Dinner at China Chef for some Double Happiness and 2 in 1 soup. Good conversation, including a discussion of fantasy crews and possible names my first initial could stand for (examples: Tico, Terry, Thor). Back to my place for some Double Happiness and 2 in 1 soup starring me, you and Lenny Dykstra.
My ideal relationship:
Imagine you've got two tickets to a Ralph Macchio Film Festival, and you know it's going to last all day. You don't know anyone who is cool enough to go with... except her.
My past relationships:
Never start a conversation with, "You're one of those 'Sex in the City' California sluts, aren't you?" Never disclose secret plans for being diabolical. Never use condoms that expire in 1987.

I am looking for a:
Sweet, sensitive, Seagal.