A Weekend Cruise to Oslo, as told by that annoying drunk kid

Oh man, what a SHITSHOW! I wish I could tell you what happened but I was soooo wasted. Ugh and now I got the worst hangover... whaaaat the fuck happened.

Friday night was rrrrrridiculous. Me, Trevor and Alex pre-gamed HARD in the room. We had bought like 10 bottles of Smirnoff and Bacardi at the Duty Free, and were just pounding that shit. There were a buncha girls in the cabin next to us, and they heard us partying so they came in and started slugging back shots. This one chick thought she could take me down shot for shot, but I showed her why they call me Captain Jack. BOOM!

We were fuckin’ hammered already when we got to the club. There were so many hottie Danes walking around, I couldn’t believe it. I remember talking to this one hotass blonde at the bar. We were throwing back Jager shots for like a half hour, just taking ‘em DOWN! I don’t know what happened to that girl, but I remember she was all over me. She definitely wanted it.

The DJ was playing all my jams – Summer of ’69, Livin’ on a Prayer, Here I Go Again!!! It was SICK! I was rocking out on the dance floor, and I fuckin’ ripped the air guitar solo on Sweet Child O’ Mine. All these Danish guys were high-fiving me, ‘cause they knew I nailed it, note for note. But the highlight had to be THE FINAL COUNTDOWN! When I heard that intro keyboard riff, I jumped up on top of the giant speaker, beer in hand, and just wailed! IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN! Dee-da-dee-da, Dee-dee-dee-dee-DAH! Oh man, it was a fuckin’ SCENE!

I got back to the bar and Trevor was arguing with the bartender about measuring the shots. Ok, get this, the bartenders here fuckin’ measure out each shot to the centiliter. It’s fuckin’ bullshit! They don’t know how to mix a fuckin’ drink without their little measuring cups. Amateurs. I got in this dude’s face about it, and the next thing I know me and Trev are kicked out of the place! Can you believe that shit? Horseshit.

We found Alex wandering around outside. He’d been real gay all night, not wanting to go to the club, so apparently he had spent the night just smoking stogs in the Cigar Bar with a buncha Norwegian dudes. I told him he should go smoke some COCK in the COCK BAR! Trev said that was the funniest shit he’d ever heard.

It was like four in the morning and we didn’t know what to do, so we thought it’d be funny to head to the top deck and do the Titanic pose in the front of the ship. I had my camera on me, and I got this hilarious pic of Trevor and Alex trying to do the pose, but Trev was so drunk that he couldn’t get onto the railing! I told him he was acting just like that DiCaprio pussy, and we were all ROLLING! Fuckin’ ridiculous.

They kicked us off the boat on Satuday morning at 10 AM. I was still trashed from the night before and I was hurting ‘cause I only got three hours of sleep! Missed the buffet breakfast, but I heard it was pretty shitty - watery yogurt, runny eggs, and some nasty little cocktail wieners. Who eats that shit for breakfast? Fuckin’ weirdo Danish people.

Oslo was alright. I had a pounding headache all day, and I couldn’t really give a shit about seeing any of the museums and stuff, but the girls I was with wanted to see The Scream. So whatever, we went to the Edward Munch Museum and guess what – The Scream wasn’t there! It was fuckin’ stolen! There was all this security too – how the fuck did somebody steal that shit? Instead, there were just a buncha pictures of naked guys. Whole lotta dick. Rrrrrreal gay. Munch musta been a gaybo, and I told Trevor that he probably got his name because he liked munching on cock! Trev cracked up at that one and gave me a high-five right there in the museum. All these old people were looking pissed off at us, but fuck ‘em. They’re the ones spending their Saturday afternoon looking at a buncha dicks!

So that’s pretty much that. Got shithoused again on Saturday night and almost hooked up with a 28 year-old MILF! She had a five year-old daughter in Sweden from some sour relationship with an older guy. I kinda felt bad for her, but only because she looked like she needed a good bonejob. I was working my MILF Hunter moves on her for like three hours, but she ended up going to bed early. I tried to kiss her goodnight but she wasn’t into it. I mean, I think deep down she really wanted it, but she was too scared of how good I was gonna give it to her. She wasn’t ready for The Captain. Few are.


If you're looking for a TRUE STORY about last weekend's adventure...

At the exact moment the DJ played Europe's "Final Countdown," we happened to be sailing across the European continental divide and the planets happened to be aligned in such a way that a wormhole opened up on the dancefloor that allowed me travel along the space-time continuum back to May 1986 where I dissuaded the arena rockers from ever recording that song. I also tried to tell Bill Buckner to remember to keep his glove down, but he just laughed and said, "Whatever, kid."