Today provided me with another opportunity to use my "Survival Danish." While walking to the Metro in Nørreport, I was mugged at knifepoint by a disgruntled youth, but I managed to escape bodily harm after repeating the question, "Hvor bor du i Danmark?" ("Where in Denmark do you live?"). Last week I survived a four-alarm apartment blaze because I chanted, "Jeg læser politik" (I study politics), and I've been told that in the event of a terrorist attack, my chances of survival will depend on how well I can enunciate the phrase, "Jeg vil gerne have et stykke wienerbrød" ("I would like to have a piece of Danish pastry").

PUERTO RICAN WATCH - Day 26. It's been twenty-six days since I've seen a Puerto Rican.

And it's been exactly one month since I've last been on stage - January 15 at Like2Laugh's Sunday Soiree. That show went pretty well, and I was glad to leave New York in a good comedic state of mind. I haven't found much of a stand-up scene in Copenhagen, and I don't know how well the humor will translate on the odd chance I do come across an open mic. But I'm itching to perform again, so I guess the next best option is posting my routine for all you blog enthusiasts to enjoy. Here's my wacky take on iPods - read it now before iPods stop being funny... too late.

(Note: You may have seen the SNL iPod parodies - micro, pequeno, invisa. But I'll have you know - that episode aired on Nov. 19, 2005, while my iPod material debuted at the JHU Fall Festival Variety Show on October 3, and I've got the home video to prove it. BOOM!)

I got the iPod nano for Hanukkah. Yeah it was cool, I got the nano... and then, I ate it. I don't know how it happened, really... I was sitting on the couch watching the game, and it must've gotten into the bowl of Tostitos. And it's funny, because I didn't even realize until I farted "Since You've Been Gone."

So I had to go to the Apple Store to get a new one. That place is crazy - they've got iPods and iMacs with iTunes... the guy helping me out, his name was Vinny. Whattya know, they've got iTalians too.

We've all got to feel bad for the iPod, folks. Let's face it - the iPod is suffering from a severe image disorder, and who is to blame? We are, the American consumer. What happened - the first iPod comes out, and it's amazing! It plays 20,000 songs, you can put it in your pocket, and those little white headphones give birth to a whole new cool (sorry Miles). And what do we say, "Yeah iPod, you're pretty amazing, but look at you - you're a fuckin' cow! I can't take you out in public!" So a couple of months later, the Mini arrives, and she's like, "Hey, check me out - I'm a little smaller now, I can still play play a lot of songs, you can put me on your arm and we can go jogging together! And I come in all these pretty colors!" Our response: "Yeeeeah, you're still a little chunky there Mini, still a little chunky." So now we've got the nano, the Mary-Kate of iPods. She's barely making it, folks. Shivering, losing her hair, "Am I good enough yet? I just want you to like me!" It's sad, it's really sad.

The nano is still too big for my taste. I'm just gonna wait until the iPod Urethra comes out. Just plug that guy into your dick-hole, and you're good to go.

------------------ AND THAT'S THE iPOD BIT!!! Good riddance.

In case you were wondering, my Valentine's Day culminated with me sitting alone in the common kitchen at 1:30 AM, eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and watching free televised porn. I'm not complaining.