This is just ridiculous. I've spent the better part of these past two weeks crafting an original skaldic poem featuring a cast of characters inspired by Major League baseball players from the 70s and 80s. Obviously, I did it for school. About three months ago, I was a assigned a research paper for my Nordic Mythology class. I told the prof (Beardruff, for those in the know) that I couldn't write the reserach paper because I didn't know a damned thing about Nordic Mythology, but I would be willing to create a Nordic Mythology all my own. Amazingly, he agreed to my bold demands, and I set to writing. Now of course I didn't hand the paper in on time. In fact, the paper was due nearly two months ago - before spring break - and I have still yet to complete it in its entirety. But Part Two is finished, and I'm really happy with it, so I'm posting it here for your enjoyment. The only problem is, you probably won't enjoy it. If you're familiar with Hymir's Poem in the Poetic Edda, then you might get a kick out of the parody. If you're familiar with the careers of Kent Hrbek, Al Hrabosky, and/or Mark Fidrych, then you might find parts of it entertaining. And if you're the rare double fan of Viking literature and retro baseball, well, this Bud's for you, and I give you full permision to excerpt favorite stanzas in future away messages.
Hrbek’s Poem
1 Once, the fastidious gods feasted on lox and bagels,
they demanded entertainment of brutish display;
they sought a derby to determine the greatest swing,
they found that Odin’s son and Hrbek made a desirable
match.
2 The Twin Cities-dweller propped up, his cheery nature
turning to that of concern as he eyed Mjolnir,
Hlorridi grinned knowingly and looked into his eyes:
‘You are going to need Hillerich’s trunk to claim victory.’
3 The trashy talk did not find Hrbek well;
he began to consider the joke in a serious light;
he announced his intention to call the bluff and make path,
‘towards the great ash forest protected by the Relievers.’
4 Herbie dismissed the charity of his friends;
the gallant Gaetti offered his club,
the burly Brunansky hoisted his weighty stick in gift,
even the mighty Killebrew stepped forward from the famous
hall to extend his own silver slugger.
5 The defiant one said his farewells and marched east,
his fearlessness perceived as recklessness by the gods;
only upon nightfall did the great outdoorsman feel regret,
‘The fireballer stands guard and awaits my arrival.’
6 The lad was stirred from his sleep by a giant egret,
Fidrych, the brave Reliever who had lost favor with the
father of Fu;
he wished to enact revenge and found a partner in the eager
Herbie.
7 ‘Intrepid traveler, I will lead you to Hrabosky’s pen
where you can secure a branch from the great ash tree.
I wish to face the Mad Contrarian once again;
I will meet his fastball with a blazing speed pitch
of my own.’
8 The thick-armed playmate of Puckett held to The Bird
as his great wings flapped and flew the rest of the way.
9 Hirsute, sinister-handed Hrabosky
came late back from grooming the mound.
He went into his bull’s pen to gather stock for his supper;
nobody made a finer ox-tail soup.
10 ‘Greetings, Hrabosky, I have come to your pen to tell you
of a batsman in need of wood,
the root-stem of Bradsby’s better half is what he requires
to defeat Sif’s husband and earn respect from the Æsir.
11 See where he hides behind the manure pile;
I overheard his plans for cutting down great Hillerich
whilst you tended to your bulls.
12 Steam did the pile at the Reliever’s gaze,
and the terrible smell, an olfactory nightmare,
roused Herbie from his spot.
13 ‘You come to the Great Ash Forest
for my precious wood, but you are mistaken to believe
you can fell my trees without provoking my favor.
I say, follow me to the mound.’
14 Forward they went, and the mustachioed giant
turned his gaze on his brawny intruder.
His mind didn’t speak encouragingly to him, when he
saw
the one who had initiated the T-Rex Tag.
15 Fidrych walked behind Hrbek and Hrabosky,
until they reached the manicured mound
where the Mad Contrarian said no man could
hack at Hillerich if he could not lift the rosin bag.
16 With that, the brave, royal cardinal grabbed the
bag in a huff,
jerked it skywards and violently hurled it down at Herbie,
who dove wayside to escape
the suffocating powder cloud.
17 The oft-injured Hrbek stood and dusted himself,
approached the mound with newfound vigor;
the rosin bag he tried to lift but buckled under,
again he grabbed at it whole and failed after a struggle.
18 Until the friendly Bird told him
some birdly advice which he knew:
‘Cut the bag and bleed the rosin, the heavy element;
Hrabosky’s challenge is as flawed as his delivery.
19 The strong man, hunter of ducks, slit the bag and
spilled its contents;
the emptied purse high above his head
a show of cunning to enrage the Contrarian,
fuming red with the madness of a hundred Martins.
20 ‘My challenge you met with chicanery,
and my prized rosin you have rendered unworkable;
never again will it dry my sweaty palms
or inspire my entertaining mound rituals.
21 You must pay for your transgressions;
my fast ball will send you straight to Hel’s pit.’
22 The thickly bearded Reliever wound up to deliver his blow,
but the unorthodox Fidrych intervened before the release;
a wicked slider sent Hrabosky to the ground,
sprawled and shaken.
23 Hrbek worked quickly and wrapped his thick arms
around Hillerich’s sturdy base,
with bent knees he brought all his divine power to bear;
each tug steadily loosened the unyielding soil
until the whole of the great tree had been uprooted.
24 Hillerch in hand and his wonder bat secured,
Herbie had not gone far from the pen
when the burly batsman looked once behind him;
he saw the fiery southpaw approaching with flared nostril
admirably framed by bushy mustache.
25 He turned and swung the mighty ash, eager for slaying,
and contact was made on the sweet spot indeed;
the giant hurdled through the air until his bones met
with Ymir’s in a bloody mess on the mountain.
26 The satisfied Hrbek came to the assembly of the gods,
dragging behind him the Reliever’s sacred ash;
the father of Modi knew well from the stained wood
that Herbie had already begun the derby.
27 But before Thor could take any cuts of his own,
the impulsive gods had already grown weary
of the contest;
Hrbek was declared the winner,
and the gods returned to their Sudoku.
